Single vs Non-Single

 An old friend contacted me last night via Wechat.

Just for a catch-up kind of convo.

We were just updating each others’ stories until at one point he asked me.

“You got yourself a boyfriend now?”

I denied. Well, that’s the truth.

It was odd for someone who’s already in a relationship asking me such question.

He replied:

“It’s not healthy to stay single for a long time, you know?”

I got a bit worked up when he said that. Just as I was about to shoot him back, he sent another message:

“Don’t be like me. Stuck.”

That immediately put a huge question exclamation slash question mark above my head.

Stuck? What did he mean by STUCK?

I let him take the wheel that moment. He shared about him having trouble with his girlfriend. Telling me that he can’t stand his other half being “kiasu”, not letting him win at least once.

“But I thought that’s normal for any couple, right?”

“It’s just that I think she’s being too much. My ex-was like that too. I don’t know why most of the women that I got hooked up with are basically the same! Girls are all the same, you know!”

“Errrr...bro, do not forget. I AM A GIRL too! Question from me; why don’t you guys take a break in between. Give yourself some space to figure things out. And why do you keep ending up with the same type of women?"

Here comes Fiona the psychoanalyst. Demmit!

Again I let him do the talking. My replies for the next half an hour were NOs, YUPs, OKs and OHs.

And he summed up, he’s always UNLUCKY.

“Hey. If you think you’re the only one being the unfortunate one in this world, think again. Think of the rest billions of people out there. Everyone goes thru crappy moments in life. Even a jovial kid can be pretty grumpy when his ice-cream falls out of the cone! Blaming on your relationship won’t work much, bro.”

“But I have done so much for her! She’s still not happy. I have threatened to leave her if she continues behaving that way towards me! But she said she can’t stay without me."

“You. Got. A. Problem.”

“What’s that?”

“You are giving in. Too much. Let her taste her own medicine once in a while lah!”

“I don’t have the heart la sis...”

Now it’s my turn to shoot back.

(Smirk. Evil grin.)

“You think that’s HEALTHY for you?”

Silence. For at least ten minutes.

I was about to carry on with my sketching practice when my phone beeped.

As expected. Hah!

“I am unlucky. Very unlucky.”

“So, do you still want to be the UNLUCKY one? Like forever?”

“Of course, NO!”

“Tell you what. Let’s not make simple things more complicated, alright? You may blurt NONSENSE right to my face. But I don’t care! I used to think I am unlucky too. But those who’ve stayed with me through thick and thin, they put their faith in me, telling me I’m a fighter and I’m a strong person (flatter myself a little, c’mon lah). Knowing that I am strong, I got to find ways to at least make me appreciate a little goodness left in me. I am sure you can do it too, bro.”

“How?”

“Bro, there’s no specific manual, bro. I know there are self-help books and websites out there, but not 100 percent accurate or applicable to every person’s needs! It depends on yourself to discover what you need. People can be cheerleaders for you but you are your own engine. Like cancer cell, we all have that one thing called willpower, but I try not to make it so “pakar motivasi punya janji” lah OK. That power you have in you, you decide yourself whether to activate it or not!”

“Eshh...Malas lah!”

“See what I mean?”

“What?”

“You said MALAS. You decide it bro.”

Silence round TWO.

As I was about to put down my phone, another message came in again.

“Sis. A guy can easily nuts over you!”

That LOL moment but of course I had to let out a silent LOL. It’s almost midnight.

“OK la tu. He goes nuts kah, bananas kah, durians kah, I don’t really care. As long as he does not make my life a living hell.”

“Hope you’ll find the right one soon sis. We aren’t getting any younger now.”

Amboih, mak neneknya kau ni.

“Bro, there’s an Arabic saying. Kun fayakun. It will happen when it will. I just let things fall into places on their own timing. Don’t worry about me. There’s so much things more than just getting a life partner, bro. I may end single all my life but I tend to worry less. The journey ahead is still a mystery. Speaking of getting older, we are not Benjamin Button. But it does not mean we need to kill the inner child we’ve had all these years. That little kid inside is the reason to make a person feels happy and alive despite the age changes.”

Probably that silenced him off after he called it a night in the last text message.

At the crossroad...AGAIN!

It's been 3 years since I got home for good. Recalling the time I returned to Miri, I was pretty much a mess myself.
Yes, three years have passed. How time flies.
And so many things happened within that three years.
I must consider myself as a lucky person too, to be honest.

Nevertheless, I do feel that I am standing at that particular crossroad.
Like I used to many moons ago.
I have a permanent job and I get to do things I love most, sketching.
I am thankful many people have seen my works and glad most of them fancy them.

Again, I do feel I am standing at that crossroad.
Should I make another leap of faith?
Should I opt another roller-coaster ride?
Should I embark another adventure?

Frankly speaking, I m beginning to feel bored with the life I have now. And this is dangerous.
Very dangerous because it can hurt me and those around me.

I am unsure which path to take this time.
I am no longer young, well physically that is.
The child in me seems to be restless more than ever.
I fail to understand her ridiculous needs this time.
That child is becoming more of a rebel lately.
She keeps telling me to break the rocks ahead of us.
I am tired of telling that child to calm down.

I am standing at this crossroad now, figuring which path to choose this time. I envy those who keeps on moving to various phases  in life. Really, I am envious of such fortunate people. My lips are tightly sealed, hoping I won't simply shoot unnecessary verbal missiles. But I cannot stop my mind and heart from screaming vulgarities especially if my buttons are pushed.

This is pretty daunting and exhausting at the same time.

There are loads of people that I need to please. I am weary being the crowd/people pleaser, every single time. I guess that's why the inner child keeps knocking my head to open my eyes to all these.

Here I am...standing at the crossroad again.

Mad Mad World...

Nowadays, I get irritated so quickly and I tell you, this is not good for my heart. In fact, for everyone's hearts! Unsure whether it's triggered by age factor or, just my trait. I mean I have tracked down a bunch of hot-tempered heads in my family. I don't know...it seems that I just cannot deal with all sorts of ignorance. I do miss being innocently stupid. But still I am not an overtly a smart person. Only smart in certain matters, to be precise.

You know, deep down inside, I am beginning to regret being an adult. How I wish I could stay as a young kid. I didn't have to deal with complicated matters like most grown-ups have to face with. I didn't have to go through heartbreaks, ridiculous commitments or relationships, you name them!

I wish to go back when the younger ME selfishly made a wish to be a grown-up as soon as possible. I wish to return to that moment so that I could slap the crap out of the kiddo me and tell her to stop dreaming to become an adult. 

As I am writing this blog, MLTR's hit number Sleeping Child miraculously appears in one corner of my mind and keeps on playing the chorus part:

Oh my sleeping child the world’s so wild

But you’ve built your own paradise

That’s one reason why

I’ll cover you, sleeping child

The world is indeed a wild place. So wild that only the strong ones are able to stand tall and survive. I believe now that we are living in the age where innocence can be mistaken for so many things. The world today is full of confused messages. Love does not seem to appear like it is supposed to be. Lust and gluttony and greed try to take control over the lives of people everywhere. The survival game has become too notorious, unbeknownst to many idyllic minds.

Thy Mother is GREEN!

Mak kau hijau! Mak kau hijau! Mak kau hijau!

Here and there Malaysian netizens are having cursing calling respective mothers GREEN.

I did watch that one video that went viral overnight.

But I just can't seem to brain why did the little boy keep on taunting at his humongous bully "Mak kau hijau (your mother is green!)!

Was he trying to compare the bully's mother to the famous Marvel comic character Hulk?

Was he trying to say that the other boy's mummy was a salad aficionado?

Was he trying to say that the other boy's mother was born with green complexion?

Until now I fail to find the real answer to this viral catchphrase.

So only the mothers get to be green?

Fathers? 

Bapak kau merah jambu.

Nenek kau kuning.

Abang kau kelabu tahi itik.

Kakak kau takde warna langsung.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter what colour you are. You just got to be confident.

(What in the world...?)

 

Sangkar

OK lamak udah sik nulis blog dalam bahasa ibunda tek nak. So kenak aku boleh engkah tajuk "sangkar" atas nun? Banyak benda dipikir ku dua tiga menjak tok. Tok ada sedikit lanjutan dari pos sebelum tok tek. Aku luah rasa maok kekal jadi nembiak. Bunyi kedak sik senonoh jak gaya tapi ada sebab kenak ku pikir gia.
Perhati dunia sekeliling kita kinek tok? Makin menjadi-jadi kan? Perang, bunuh, politik iboh cerita panjang, luka hati kerna GST tek belum juak keghin.
Sangkar, kadangkala kita rasa kita bebas. Tapi bila perhati menar-menar, kita bebas dalam sangkar ya jak. Bebas tapi sik bebas. Dikongkong tapi sik juak dikongkong.
Apa juak reti ku madah gia tek?
Entahlah. Tauk sik dunia tok Tuhan ciptakan simple jak sebenarnya. Aku pun rasa kedak ya juak dolok. Why complicate things?
Kadang-kadang segala komplikasi yang kita ada dalam otak dalam dirik kita bukan juak kerna sesetengah faktor. Kali juak sekda keja, nak dipolah juak keja. Kali juak sekda penyakit, polah sigek.

Apa point aku tok?
Entahlah.

Aku kinek tok dalam "sangkar" jaga anak-anak exam.

Sangkar kebosanan.
Bah kelak beloya pasal sangkar gik.

Young Love

There's this one student in my class who has this weird rather peculiar habit of standing near  our door whenever she's done with works and all. Yes it's a 15-year-old girl.

She's been doing this since February this year. Later I found out from her that her boyfriend is in the next classroom. You see, our classroom's door is partially glass (on top). 

To be honest, I thought she was only joking. You know how kids love to throw pranks at us adults.

But this one, the whole class verified her confession. She has a boyfriend who is a year younger than her.

One more thing. Every week she'd ask me this question: 

"Teacher, do you think my Adam (not his real name) is handsome?" I just smiled at her first. Not knowing what to say. So I'd reply (again and again), "He's OK lah. Cute too."

And she seems not so happy with how I reply every now and then. So in the end, I'd give in and say "OK, he's handsome".

The rest of her friends told me that once a month Adam would bake cookies for her. He even walks with her after class to a fitness centre where her mom waits for her.

I did ask her "Does your mom know that you and Adam are dating?" She said YES.

Wow! Lucky girl, I said to myself.

When I had my first boyfriend 17 years ago, I had to date discreetly. My mother wouldn't allow me to have a boyfriend at such young age. But I did have one, met him at a church camp. I didn't do the first move, of course. We dated for 7 months until one day my mother discovered about us. So she gave me two choices; break up with him or she'd drag us both to the altar. The 15-year-old me freaked out and I broke up with him. Poor lad. My mother's the ultimate villain here, don't you think?

If you ask me, what happened to my first boyfriend later on? Now he is a happily married man with two young boys. Good for him.

Recently, the head teacher (sort of, since he does all the syllabus back at my workplace) came up with a topic on the negative sides of getting involved in puppy love relationship for the students to work on; they were assigned to write a report based on that topic. I found the points given on that sheet were a bit odd. Basically, the points seemed biased. When I handed out the sheets to my students, our Juliet (not her real name) kept quiet throughout the session. The moment I announced the topic to the class, it wiped the smile off her face. I felt guilty in a way. But I had to do my job. To compensate the negative feelings that surrounded us (I think some of the kids are in their respective puppy love thing too, judging by their reactions), I gave some good sides of being in love at young age. I told them one has to be smart balancing reality and the joy of being in love. Juliet beamed out of sudden when I did that.

Just wow...

Two years and still counting.

While most Malaysians have been busy crooning the litany of woes over the newly-implemented GST since Wednesday (of all the days, they chose 1st of April, cheesecake's sake!), I realize that I have been serving this learning centre for the past two years now. I began my job as an English language tutor here in Miri on April's Fool Day in 2013.

The biggest and the best joke to date, well sort of!

In just two years I have taught many young minds who were and are in dire need of help when it comes to mastering the global lingua franca.
To be honest, I am not a professionally trained tutor/educator. I did bachelor's degree in TESL halfway before I switched to performing arts and I graduated with Diploma in Theatre from UiTM. I spent almost 4 semesters for degree in theatre later on. Nevertheless, I had a harsh brush with one of the academicians in my campus and fell sick at the same time. That prompted my decision to return to my hometown on 15th December in 2012. Without the bachelor's degree, of course.

I recall how my parents, especially my mother, pressing me to find a job here. I was jobless for three months. One March evening a couple years ago, I went out with a former classmate. She told me that a tuition centre was searching for a part-time tutor. Since English language is my forte, she asked me to try my luck. Few days later I gained the courage to call up the centre, followed by an interview and VOILA! I got the job (I began as a part-timer) the very next month.

First few months I struggled as majority of the children speak only Mandarin. I was assigned to handle Transition levels and primary school levels as well. Nevertheless, I have never had problems in trying to adapt to languages.Since then, as I try to fix their English language skills, they generously try to teach me basic Mandarin. Oh dear! I should have tried harder at mastering Mandarin back in campus years ago.

But the journey wasn't all rainbows and unicorns. I did have one big kid (a bully) in my Transition class. A real pain in the arse, I must say. Weeks by weeks, I attempted to stay calm while having to be bothered by his nerve-wrecking antics during class. Until one day, he really pushed my limit button and I broke my "cool teacher" record. I screamed at him. The result? He refused to join the class and the mother even told my boss that her son wouldn't return if I am still teaching that class. Yes, I know, classic case of TEXTBOOK sample of SPOILT BRAT. But that didn't halt me from getting a cool offer to be a permanent/full-time staff at the centre months after the incident.

2014 was quite a year for me. I got the shock of my life when one of my students fell into epileptic seizure one afternoon. I went blank when the boy collapsed and there's so much blood and saliva on the floor. How can I ever forget that incident? My student had a close brush with Death and I was so helpless.

My 31st birthday was another unforgettable experience too. One of the classes that I taught last year found out about my birth date and they set me up. Cool birthday prank, to be honest.

Now that I have entered the second year of my service as a tutor here, I am looking forward to several more years of teaching experience. And oh! I almost forgot this. I began to teach arts since last August and this year I have gained 4 students. I take it as a blessing in disguise as gazillions years ago, I did think my artistic talent was sort of a hand-down jinx. But hey! The old rules DO NOT APPLY anymore. New games of survival are flowing in. I hope to utilize my skills and knowledge as long as I live.